It’s very difficult to feel sexy with a chronic illness, and to be honest, the ones I have don’t do me any favours. IBS. Gastritis. Crohn’s Disease? These aren’t illnesses you’d expect to showcase in Hollywood. Unless John Green can get really creative with poop and vomit. Hmm. “The Fault in her Bowels.” “Poopy Towns.” “The Abundance of Vomit.” Ok, I will stop.
Anyway, when I think about the women I find sexy, I realise that actually any of them could have these conditions themselves. I’m just assuming they don’t because they aren’t immediately obvious. I forget my illnesses are invisible, and so really I have a lot of control of how people see me. We all do. It’s a huge responsibility and quite frankly a terrifying one. So perhaps if I want to feel sexy I shouldn’t write so openly about how functional my bowels are, or if I managed to keep my food down today. But then again, sexiness to me is humour, confidence and acceptance, all of which my blog exhibits.
I look 5 months pregnant, yes, and I do display typical pregnancy symptoms, but I also treat my body with care. I handle it like there is something fragile and vulnerable inside of me. I have to live carefully so that I can minimise how much pain I experience during the day. I have to nap plenty so I can ration energy for important people. I can’t smoke. I shouldn’t drink. Yes I’m slow, and yes I’m difficult sometimes, but I have the optimism of a mother expecting her first born.
Chronic illness can last a long time and for me it’s been way over 9 months, but it won’t be forever. And afterwards I’ll be stronger than I’ve ever been. I will be due any day now.